From the blog · Self-development
Being, doing and having: get the order right.
How often do we tell ourselves some version of this: when I have the new job, more money, a better relationship, then I will do the things I keep postponing, and finally I will be confident, calm, happy. It sounds reasonable. It is also, quietly, a trap. If the being always comes last, and the having never quite arrives, we can spend years in the waiting room of our own life.
You've got to be before you can do, and do before you can have.
Zig ZiglarThe results we get flow from the actions we take. And the quality of our actions flows from our way of being: how we see the situation, what we believe about ourselves, the emotional state we act from. A person who believes "I'm not the kind of person who speaks up" prepares differently, shows up differently, and quits sooner than a person who believes the opposite, even when their skills are identical. This is not motivational poetry; it is the basic logic behind cognitive behavioural work. Thoughts and self-beliefs shape behaviour, and behaviour shapes outcomes.
So the model most of us run, have → do → be, needs to be reversed:
Be
Identity & state
Who you need to become: the beliefs, qualities and emotional stance the goal requires. Persistent. Direct. Calm under pressure.
Do
Actions
What that person naturally does: has the conversation, sends the application, trains, asks, follows up.
Have
Results
What follows: the role, the relationship, the health, the income. Outcomes are downstream of the first two columns.
When the results aren't coming, there are only three moves available, and most people pick the wrong one.
1. Do nothing. We decide the results are outside our control and wait. Comfortable, and a dead end.
2. Change the actions. This is what most of us try: new tactics, new app, new plan. It helps for a while. But if the thinking underneath stays the same, the behaviour drifts back, and so do the results. Anyone who has restarted the same diet five times knows this loop personally.
3. Change the way of being. When the beliefs, self-image and emotional patterns shift, the actions change on their own, and stay changed. In psychology this shows up again and again: lasting behaviour change tends to follow identity change, not the other way around. "I'm becoming a person who trains" outlasts "I have to go to the gym."
A simple exercise to start
Take a sheet of paper and divide it into three columns: Be, Do, Have. Then work from right to left.
In the Have column, write what you want: a better relationship, a career move, a healthier body. In the Do column, list what would actually have to happen: speak honestly with your partner, expand your network, train three times a week. Then the column that matters most, Be: what kind of person does those things without forcing it? Someone persistent, self-assured, communicative, committed? Write the qualities down. That first column is your real to-do list; the other two follow from it.
One honest caveat, because clients ask me this in sessions: you cannot simply decide to "be confident" and have your nervous system agree. That is normal. Ways of being are trained, not declared, through small repeated actions, through examining the beliefs underneath (this is much of what we do in therapy-adjacent work and coaching), and sometimes with someone alongside you. The columns tell you the direction; the training is the work.
Success is something you attract by the person you become.
Jim RohnSo the key question is not "what do I still need to get?" It is: is the way you are currently being producing the results you want? If the answer is no, or uncertain, you know which column to start with.
Which column are you stuck in?
If you keep changing the actions and getting the same results, the work is one level deeper. That's exactly what we do together.
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